so, this little shoe apparently is called a van and its FLIPPING BORING (idk if im allowed to say fucking on this site yet so we're playing it safe)

this shoe has no personality

its flat and boring and if you are wearing this i will assume that you are also flat and boring

D tier shoe

moving onto something that has character, this lil fricker is called a "heelie" because it "rides the heels" or smth.
now, apparently they have multiple styles, but i chose this one as reference because it's the coolest. and OMFG this shoe is lit AF. not only do the flames on your feet represent the burning passion of your human heart as you wear them, but they also have a cool little feature, in that they have a wheel in the back that lets you glide like a total badass. The shape is a little boring though, which marks it down a bit

B tier shoe

going to the more bourgoise shit, we have the birkenstock

they're these lil sandal frickers and they look kinda nice but also have a little secret, just like the heelies. Allegedly, the cork (i think its cork) bottom molds to your feet over time making them more comfortable and fitting or something. Does it actually work? yes, but the top part always chafes my toe leaving it with a rash after using them so it's not actually worth wearing them imo. Another thing to note, although I'll try to mostly keep to shoes that this doesn't matter with, is that they're open toed. This means that if you drop something on your foot it will hurt, but more importantly... some of us are maybe insecure in our feet (definitely not me because i have perfect feet but dont ask for pictures please but i have good feet please trust me), and that means that showing them off is kinda unnerving. this, along with the chafing, is what brings its rating down

D tier shoe

moving back to close toed (but open ankle) we have the ugg scuffette 2. Now, they looked better in the scuffette 1 series where they didn't have a stupid line going down the middle of them but they're still a pretty damn fine shoe. You can get these fellows in black with grey, pink, or a boring color like brown. I personally have a pair of the black ones, and a pair of the pink ones. They're comfy, they avoid any..... foot related insecurities (THAT I DONT HAVE I SWEAR), and they're swag AF. The black ones give a very formal vibe, while the pink ones are very "fuck you get out of my way) sorta mood instead. As a very functional, very fashionable, and very flippin' awesome shoe, they get a high grade

A tier shoe

this here thing is called a doc marten i guess and its..... okay its kinda ugly ngl. Like, its way too black, the bottoms should not be 4 centimeters tall, and it has an ugly shape. Why do people where these wtf i dont get it. apparently there's some thing called shoe-lace code with them which is a concept where differently colored shoelaces are used to support various groups or show affiliation with said groups. It's definitely an interesting concept that would be worth talking about if the shoe wasn't so goddamn ugly

D tier shoe

this one isn't a shoe, but it's worth talking about nonetheless, being the idea of not wearing a shoe. It has it's problems, being that it's very.... exposed, to both physical dangers and the dangers of looking at a raw foot, but they're not too bad. Walking on rough surfaces is definitely a trained skill though, with some merits. Walking barefoot to the mailbox (assuming its within one stones throw of your household) is a good measurement IMO, although if you're walking to anywhere further than five stonesthrows away you should probably put something on to protect your feet. The biggest benefit of this shoe though, is the lack of effort it takes to put on/take off: you don't have to do it. this significantly boosts its grade

B tier shoe

EEWW GROSS EWW FUCK GO AWAY FUCK EWWW GROSS

F tier shoe

moving onto a boot, we have the muckmaster tall ice boot. Now, I personally don't own this color, but i want to get it and I own similar boots so i'm going to larp as having one here. This boot is swag

lastly for tonight, we have the ugg adirondack 3 (in tan color because all the other colors suck), and this is a good boot. It has good shape, has a very fluffy and comfortable interior, protects your feet from heavy things dropped on them, and has good vibes. The smooth yet rugged shape gives it a proper business flare, that shows formality, while the folded down top coexists with this, while showing its own playful side. If you're wearing these boots, then you're a person of reputable deeds. A solid boot, with fashion, function, and all the good f words

A tier shoe