libpol

「poopy delete」

it's funny to point that out because you're right, i am completely aware of his modus operandi, and it's because of it i'm able to ignore him half of the time, yet eventually the words pierce through and affect me
i feel like the best way to illustrate my psyche regarding this is to bring up freud's model of the id, ego, and superego.

there is the emotional and impulsive aspect of my personality which can be counted as the "id" and then there is the moral agent of judgement that guides me which acts as the "superego". and then there is the "ego", who is supposed to be "me", who is supposed to act as a medium for the id's animalistic desires and the superego's constant negging to prevent either from taking over and hopefully leading to a more healthier "self"
but as stated before, it's like the ego is nonexistent for me. without the mediator, the superego and id itself steps in to fill the shoes of the agent of logic and it creates this image of chaos within myself that -when agitated- makes me take impulsive actions and lash out emotionally or retreat into myself into brooding. to segue back to MoM as an example, the id makes me feel rejected by his barbs and i either lash out back at them or split my perception of them into a negative one and quietly carry on. usually the latter happens but with enough probing, i end up wanting to attack them and give them some kind of inconvenience. once i lash out, it is inevitable that the superego gets its reins on the horse that is me and say "you goddamn fool, you've done it again". i would then ruminate over the conversation, analyze everything said, and use it as critique for myself.
"you're not smart enough for this conversation, why do you always have to overexplain yourself and not observe, why are you bringing up sigmund freud, that's absolute babysteps psychology and you'll only make yourself look like a tool, why are you fundamentally flawed, you will never be good enough for this, they're right about you being a delusional man" and so on and so forth
it's like i'm playing both the parent scolding and the child being scolded. the dread in my stomach and the heart palpitations make me freeze while i'm being bombarded with by my own self-hatred. and then i get over it without really "gaining" anything from it, leading me to repeat the cycle over and over again. it's not even MoM that triggers this, it's more that his words are added onto the superego itself and thus he acts as an extension of it in my mind. it's honestly why i resent him a lot, because he triggers that reaction in me a lot because he's one of those narcissistic males that loves to psychoanalyze people and act like their word is final, without accepting rebuttal. and the worst part is that i can't even call them out on it because they're not really aware of what they're doing. i've said to you that i find myself puppeteered by an irrational spirit, despite having footing in reality and knowing what i'm feeling is not logical in the slightest. but i have no choice but to feel those irrational emotions. even if i control myself and do nothing, the emotions still exist strongly in me.

i like to think i have a somewhat tighter leash on these aspects as of now when talking to newer people, such as yourself, but whenever i go back to hsg -a place i've been visiting since i was 13 years old-, it feels like im reverting back to my older self because that's just how people there perceive me.