yeah ofc it would be nice to not exist, but death obviously doesn't really seem like smth thatll help with that too much either so i can relate. but i think i can't really relate much with the feeling of the future going nowhere, not that i feel like i have a future, but just whenever i feel like i don't then all of a sudden out of nowhere i do, and similarly whenever i feel like i have everything together then i don't again,

it's tiring but also ok, please don't kill yourself nonny

>>281827
idk i think if you were actually in that situation you'd act differently but it's relatable nonethless

ur gonna be dirt one day

and then you're gonna become like some weird rock or worm or bug or muck idk,

lol

i just think things are unpredictable and cyclic

i hope its somewhat helpful or at least you can laugh at me a lil bit

perhaps you'll forget about this thread and it will rot in the cloud somewhere,

I never forget anything

I hope you have a nice day though.

i was going to commit this tuesday but then like an idiot i looked up parents reaction to their children committing suicide and i just couldn't do it.

to be fair the only reason im still alive is cause it would ruin my mom otherwise i would have gotten it done at 13 or something

I was watching The Apothecary Diaries and it boggled my mind that Maomao can't at all relate to being suicidal. She was like "If I died, I wouldn't get to try poisons anymore" and she's based for that.
I want what she has tbh...
I used to be kinda suicidal, but thinking of how my family, or rather the parts of my family that I like and also how my friends would react stopped me. And after things got better, I stopped being so suicidal. I sometimes still get thoughts, but it's more like intrusive thoughts, not sth I'd actually consider. Things can and did get better, I just needed to escape a really bad situation and environment I was in and I'm glad I was able to get the help I needed to do it. I'm still not quite where I want to be, but I really do want to stick around and be with my loved ones who are all here.

I want to love and feel loved/wanted in return. And it’s because of this same flawed anxiety influenced behavior, and lack of stable upbringing, that I am so irreparable. I actively try and work against jumping into relationships because I’m aware i need to be more put together first otherwise it won’t be a preferable stable connection. Yet i helplessly fall for even the slightest affection that is then provided to me; allowing myself to fall into very unhealthy relationships where I am then abused and eventually discarded.

I’m so very tired of it all, and the inevitable draining of pain and unlove sends me in never ending spirals. I just want to not anymore. I don’t want to keep living like this. And I don’t . i don’t know.

If your family doesn't care about you and love you, I sort of feel its harder to find reasons to keep on living. I had other people love me, like teachers and the church ladies, but I can't always be with them all the time. I find it harder to keep on finding reasons to live as I get older, and thinking logically just ends up amplifying my suicidal ideation.

Oh I disconnected, how embarasing. I don't know if that sent.

Possibly not.

If your family doesn't care about you and love you, I sort of feel its harder to find reasons to keep on living. I had other people love me, like teachers and the church ladies, but I can't always be with them all the time. I find it harder to keep on finding reasons to live as I get older, and thinking logically just ends up amplifying my suicidal ideation.

But ideally I'd rather just live in a commune or monastary instead of living the rest of my life in some wage job irregardless of pay. It's sort of harder to unlearn capitalist indoctrination when you only ever get praised for what you can do rather than just existing.