n full screen ide on one monitor to make me have to face it

im doing work but this song is really cool i fw the person that queued this

KILL YOURSELF NONNERS

I WANTED TO LISTEN TO THAT

im gonna explode you

>>460487
did u queue the song

oh ok nvm pls unkill yourself i fw u heavy

derrick can revive you its all chill

>>460496
sorry global moddddd

haihia mod

my OUTRAGOUS EMOTIONAL outburst was not appreciated by big brother

i was gonna queue figue folle

.play ruby my dear figue folle

i used to play dis on osu mania

rest up sum moar

id tuck u in

.play the postal service such great heights

>>460528
soon tm

wh

best wishes

am trying to force self to write

man

i rly miss um

when i was in seattle, i would go to this gas station down the block most days to pickup stuff for partners or i
became acquainted w the bashier who was a sweet probs late 40s or so woman
n she ended up giving me her FB but i lost it somehow sigh

>>460568
same its hard

but picking up what was actually p cheap stuff in case of being out or needing things was real nice

being in distance to walkable or bikeable store is rly nice

is part of why i wanna room w someone again closer to stuffs even if far ish but enough that if i get an electric bike finally, i can get there quick

>>460577
i experience this all the time, its very nice

yea im in nowhere corn field area

i honestly dont mind some of that over what ive experienced here but yeah theyre different kinds of pain

but being unable to get to the local unincorporated town w/o biking way too long there n bacc or driving a car is painful as a person w disabilities n who doesnt drive

i would do that, preferably smth like a moped or a vespa unless i found a bike i wanted or liked particularly

i dont rly wanna go w something gas powered as well yk
the recurring cost n issues w gas

plus the pure volume would become an issue, unless i moved in w new peeps like i hope 2 ;-;

could i maybe bounce some thoughts off peeps w how i could figure out getting sorted the money to sustain moving out while finding work hhh

electric bike?

and i plan to get a used electric bike but not a motorcycle

yeah i was thinking bicyclemoding

its got 20 mph and doesnt need a license

frfr

but um

im trying to, once i find ppl i feel safe to room w
get out of here and uh
well in short im living in the house that my (c)ptsd's trauma is in and its massively limiting

oh for sure

>>460600
i struggle with it unfortunately.....

irl at least, online all the tgirls think im cool

but

i have money that i can use though a good bit has to be for dental bills, sadly
though

>>460606
oh hi lain

i have savings of several k that i could use to work out living situation, tho wanna find income more stable first hh
but is stressy n unsure how to force self to move forward yk (other than the work part)

oh thats true

i think ive had a break enough

ill get on that lain

in case i find some situation where i can get work n training there or be re investing into experience n learning, whether its smth to do with college or not whatever; i have some money for college or stuffs n maybe able to get out on that but stressedddd

(sadly, a lot of money we had for emergencies or retirement for each person in the family was wiped out for a while n still somewhat due to that thing of my dad thinking the stocks would be fine when i said u rly need to pull this out; n is just fidelity n not some rich hired individual or smth gross-ish)

i hope u peeps can be stable or have the place n support u need thoughs, its tough. . especially rn

i think i need support rn...

ive run out of brain juice

thank you

aw

my dad apparently has too much excess brain juice

i wish i had overflowing brain juice

his eyes are being pushed forward due to some weird issue, and hes having to go to the Dr for the first time in a decade

too much brain juice....

he uniquely sucks cus he has and passed OCD onto me while not having had experienced serious health issues n trying to apply able bodied standards to me for so so long after i had my health go downhill
particularly cus he just hadnt been through such stuff himself

>have a condition that causes a constant, waxing waning migraine
>generally cannot comprehend im feeling this and also seems to have forgotten i still have such issues
>now is having headaches due to eyes n experiencing it himself
i wish there wasnt a, idk if itd be, irony in his mistreatment of meh for a good while n now having to experience it

or the german word uh
schadenfreude

<tho i also cannot rly wish harm or wish he was in this pain w how i am sigh

i need to explode

my brain doestn work

no brain juice

dont make me come over n fix it

i really need that ngl

my brain has as much juice as dirt from rango

my adhd n other issues make my exec dysfunction such a struggle to manage
can feel that

i think i have adhd

my friend told me it wasnt normal to not experience joy from doing menial tasks which i find genuinely bafflinf

does uhh

caffeine make you like
how does it affect you

yeah thats a big one

i can barely drive myself to do such things a lot of the time unless i have the dopamine from meds n being around someone i care abt who i wanna improve things for or stuffs

i like driving so that a bonus for me

>>460644
schleeeepyyy

inb4 that combo literally turned me into the maid of a toxic relationship

i lived w 2 trans neets, tho they did work somewhat and have income, and i cleaned their place everyday best i cud
n it got weird tho cus of puppybrain i became having to be at one of their whims to come and refill their cup with water and add kratom and mix it for them

i actually feel so exhausted

>>460651
woah i wish i lived with 2 trans neets

id do it agains if was w peeps i felt i could have a blank slate w or be safe around
kinda have to either have peeps i can build a connection w through that or peeps who are between ride or die and watching each others baccs

ill move to seattle 4 u, shouldnt be hard for me bc i play bass so the tgirls will flock to me like flies to a lamp

ill spawn in your general vicinity

am stucc around the great lakes rn

thats awesome

do u hike

am like over 2 hrs from lake tho

oh

and in the flat region

oh

big sad

mhmm

is why it kinda sucks bwa
it can be nice sometimes in some ways but i luv mountains n grew up in the NH ones, n biking n stuff here is boring to me generally

other than in urban or town areas

ive been to america before and it actually doesnt feel like a real place

hehe
understandable view

flew in to boston and went to vermont to do skiing

ah ye

my dad worked in boston till 2008

boston is so weird

mhm

i really hate the roads and nature surrounding the roads

>the honklers get louder

it feels so unnerving

i like some of it but the east coasts nature can be a little creepy some of the time

its like, non existent

like its the same tree for miles upon miles

youd think it was a collective organism

yeah

i kinda like the forests there cus its walkable in the way of trees not being so incredibly close together like they are here or in the prairie type areas also here

they have to burn the prairies every year w controlled burns cus they can cause giant wild fires otherwise
some of the stuff out here is wacky

we had out first dust storm in the state since the 1930s this week.

and a midwest tornado, when i was posting the maps and warnings i was sending for ppl in the US, killed 25 people this week too ;-;;;

thats so weird

the effects of the climate change has become very evident this year beyond just heat

but are u in canada or stuffs ? or eu or ~<~

>>460697
lain ive run out of brain juice

im really really trying i promise :'(

id recommend having some coffee or tea if u can, it could help w adhd or stuffs if thasyknow

but how does caffeine affect u ?

idk but i had a monster once (like quite a few sips, didnt even finish the drink) and i passed out from sleepies

awe

awww

yes

that was exactly why i was asking u lel

caffeiene and all stimulants generally affect adhd people with usually, in lower ish doses, a sense of calm and being eepy i hear a lot w caffeine

i only figured out i and my mom had adhd cus, even after 4~ yrs of medical testing a shit ton, i had been doing harm reduction for droog users and like pharmacology so

somehow i got into a convo abt if my mom, a p straightedge person just by default, had ever done stuff (as shes in her 50s and would go to concerts constantly)

and she said one time she had been offered n tried coke n she didnt feel any real high high from it other than a sense of calm

which was like, oh, so thats what this likely is -w-
went to my dr n finally got it tested after painful waiting n a 3 day very long neuropsych eval

unrelated but fuck me i wish i was cis afab bc underwear is lowkey uncomfy sometimes

yeah

not even in a dysphoric way its just like my galls (girl balls) are just not in the right position

i get that a lot, i um

i have this constant anxiety / ocd thing abt stuff n opening mail or gifts or messages n such

n mom got me underwear that should be yk
is supposed to be like respectfully made for trans fem but i havent opened them out of i dont even know how to describe it beyond heavy dread
partially probably cus of dysphoria

yeah i can understand that

also i stg tucking is so hard but that could simply be a me problem

awe

im p sure i used to do that as a like early to mid teen w/o knowing what i was doing or why

idrc about doing it tho

tho uhh

its i think kinda uncomfy now cus of
wont say more specifically

but yeah
doesnt rly matter to me unless i need to w wearing like idk
i dont rly wear short short skirts or anything when i/i was in girlmode in public

ok im gonna try locking in again

like

u-uh

*that* kind of locking?

tbf if u do mean *that* it doesnt sound like a bad or worse option to me than tucking lol

i cant fucking do this im so fucking done with this bullshit i fucking hate this

>>460741
underwear tucking convo

lain i cant do my work :(((((

lmao im

foggy

aww ;-; o feel u

i*
ive been trying to get locked in to writing a couple essays for several hrs now

>>460751
ive been trying to have a break....ive been on the board and listening to music

i only FINALLY got myself to open discord after 1-2 days cus of the liquid stress i feel from my past w it

and i try locking in now and i feel no better off than if i just didnt have a break

maybe turn on sum music n grab some coffee or tea and water n sit down w a

is it not?

id recommend um whats it called

ok ill try doing something

>>460760
recommend trying a pomodoro timer

it helps some people a good bit

theres a bunch of websites for it, u can set it to have u work for 10-20 min then have a break to come here or whatevs is comfy n then go back when/if u can use it to reinforce doing so

only just got these day before last n finally have eye level monitors other than the crt i message from here on

brb

i just found some uhhh

chud's mentally unsound neo cities site

oh god he's linking jreg videos for why he believes certain things

>>460773
-3-

making a discy server to maybe have a place to talk abt n share writing, stream games or coding/writing or stuffs mb

deciding whether i will or not

haiii!!!!

<~<
awww
nightmare ? or just uncomfy, bwa
i hope u eep'd okey thoughs, gm cutie

patpat

mhm...

it happens sometimes for peeps

used to get that a lot

i got to writing

im putting a bit abt the giant fucking US gov text msg leak in it towards the end or latter half

mhm

aw

might hab breakfast kind bar we hab

id make u cuties eat the amts u need

id gib u the other kind bar

has almond butter n granola / oats n stuffs

-v-

mhm. so nicu

soba noodles wud be good again :<

awww

i hope to get to go to nicu place w peep or something sometime

hia